


A new explanation

by Bluespirit



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: First Time, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-05-30
Updated: 2009-05-30
Packaged: 2017-10-12 03:56:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/120485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bluespirit/pseuds/Bluespirit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Relationships and perspectives change once Atlantis is back on Earth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A new explanation

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. With grateful thanks to my betas, [Neevebrody](http://neevebrody.livejournal.com/), [the_cephalopod](http://the-cephalopod.livejournal.com/) and [Xanthe](http://xanthelj.livejournal.com/), for their invaluable help and support.  
> 2\. Title taken from 'San Francisco (Be Sure to Wear Some Flowers in Your Hair)' by Scott McKenzie.  
> 3\. Spoilers: Enemy at the Gate

"I really am sorry, Rodney," Jennifer said quietly, squeezing his arm and smiling sadly, "but it just isn't going to work." She brushed a brief kiss to his cheek and then turned and left the balcony without looking back.

Rodney stared at the empty doorway and blew out a long breath. So that was it then - Jennifer had broken up with him; they were officially over.

Not that the break-up was a complete surprise; he'd known that something hadn't been right ever since they'd brought Atlantis back to Earth. He and Jennifer had been together for a couple of months. He'd thought they'd been doing okay but then things began to change once they were on Earth, and he found himself needing to watch everything he did and said - even more than usual. He knew that he wasn't good with people - he didn't suffer fools gladly and was perfectly happy to tell them so. Unfortunately their last visit to Earth for Malcolm Tunney's three ring scientific circus and show-and-tell had underlined the fact that Jennifer wanted him to try and be more socially acceptable - and not just tell people that they were idiots to their faces. He had tried to improve his behaviour. He thought before he spoke and tried to remember all the things that Jennifer told him he should, or shouldn't, do. However, lately she'd seemed to find even more fault with the way he acted… and with him.

He turned and dropped his arms onto the rail and looked out across the bay, the lights of San Francisco flaring to life as dusk fell.

Maybe it was being back on Earth; there were so many people around and perhaps Jennifer had been reminded of the kinds of good behaviour that Rodney just didn't – couldn't - live up to. It was like every social situation showed him in an unfavourable light, and Jennifer's gentle admonishments had grown more frequent and more strident the longer they were here. It looked like she'd finally had enough and decided that he was a lost cause.

She'd been kind about it, of course, saying that she still cared for him and that she hoped they could be friends. Yeah, and how often did that ever work out? He might not have much experience with relationships but even he knew how awkward that was going to be. Of course, it wouldn't be so much of a problem now that Jennifer had decided to take the position at the SGC that she'd been talking about.

That had been another issue between them since they'd got back to Earth. The IOA had been dragging their heels, but it finally looked like they were intending to send Atlantis back to Pegasus. Obviously, that's where Rodney wanted to go - in fact, the thought of not returning hadn't even crossed his mind. Unfortunately Jennifer had been talking about settling down and wanting more stability - and that seemed to mean staying on Earth. He really did care about Jennifer, but he couldn't just leave John… and Teyla and Ronon like that. Atlantis was his home.

He'd really thought he'd had a shot this time; that he could change and be the 'softer, gentler' Rodney McKay, and make things work with Jennifer. Now it looked like even the improved version wasn't good enough.

He straightened up, feeling suddenly old and worn out - constantly censoring himself and modifying his behaviour was pretty exhausting. He had planned to check in on the labs, but they could wait until morning - he didn't want to be around people right now. He needed time to think. He'd find John and they could head out to the pier for a few beers; it was oriented towards a quiet stretch of coastline and was pretty peaceful at night.

He walked back inside and turned towards the central tower. He was reaching for his radio to call John when he spotted him heading away down the end of the hallway. It looked like he was going towards the mess, and he had a group of about fifteen Air Force officers with him. Oh, right - it had been John's turn to play tour guide today. Ever since they'd landed slap bang in the middle of San Francisco Bay the city had been viewed as some kind of Ancient theme park by the IOA and Stargate Command, with visiting dignitaries and scientists and military lookie-loos all clamouring to see their cool toys. Honest to god, they were practically one step away from setting up Replicator dioramas and putting a gift shop selling Wraith bobble-heads in the gate room.

He hurried to catch up - at least he'd be able to find out when John was going to be done and they could make plans to meet.

"So, you have to work with that McKay guy then, sir?" A loud voice drifted back along the corridor and Rodney felt himself bristle at the man's tone.

John stopped and turned to the speaker, a quizzical look on his face. "Captain?"

"It's just that I was stationed at Area 51, and I heard the guy is a real pain in the ass."

Great, first Jennifer and now this - he was just Mr Popularity today. He stepped behind a bubbling water column - it wasn't like he was hiding, or actually gave two hoots what some military jerk might think of him, but he really didn't feel like dealing with other people right now. He just wanted to grab John and head off to the pier. He glanced around the smoothly curving glass.

"I was wondering how you can stand to have him around," the man said, glancing around the group and grinning. He was young and good-looking in a square-jaw, white teeth and blond hair kind of way. A typical cocky flyboy. "Well, without wanting to jettison him out an airlock anyways."

Rodney watched as John became very still. To anyone who didn't know, his smile was still polite - but Rodney did know, and he could see the tightness at the corners of John's eyes and the sudden hardness in his gaze. John was angry… wow, he was really angry.

John's usually curving mouth thinned into an uncompromising line. "Captain Hardiman." John spoke quietly, but there was no mistaking the steely note of command tempering his words.

Rodney could see the grin vanishing from Hardiman's face and the instinctive straightening to attention of everyone in the group. "If it weren't for Doctor McKay," John paused as he emphasised Rodney's honorific, "you and everyone else on Earth would probably be Wraith chow right about now. Take it from me - that's not something you want happening." John didn't move or raise his voice, but his audience seemed to shrink in on itself. "I - and everyone on this base - owe my life to Doctor McKay a hundred times over. He deserves - and will receive - your respect. Do I make myself clear?"

Hardiman nodded hurriedly and snapped off a salute. "Yes, sir!"

Rodney could see John holding the young captain's gaze and then he nodded, his whole demeanour relaxing, though an air of tension was still visible within the group. "Okay then," John grinned, the smile not reaching his eyes, and turned back towards the mess. "Who wants some pie? I happen to know we have Athosian sweet berry today, and you don't want to miss that…" John's voice grew fainter as he led his group of considerably more subdued-looking guests off down the hall.

Rodney leaned against the column, the glass cool against his temple, surprised at how nice it felt to hear someone standing up for him for a change. He smiled, suddenly happier than he had been in weeks, and tapped his radio. He'd ask John to bring some of that pie to the pier too.

~*~

"That good, huh?" John grinned as Rodney chased the last few sweet berries around the edge of his plate. "I thought we were gonna lose some silverware there for a minute."

They were sitting side by side on the end of the pier. It was a warm night, and the evening breeze was drifting in off the water and ruffling Rodney's hair in a way that had John's fingers itching.

"What?" Rodney rolled his eyes as John nodded at the extremely empty dish. "Oh, well it's good pie - thanks for bringing it by the way - and, anyway, I'm allowed. I'm drowning my sorrows."

John watched, distracted for a moment as Rodney wiped a sticky, red smear from the corner of his mouth and licked his finger, and then his brain caught up with the conversation. "What do you mean you're drowning your sorrows? With pie?" he chuckled. "What sorrows anyway? Has Zelenka beat your best score at Pong again?"

"Jennifer broke up with me," Rodney sighed, shoulders slumping as he looked out over the water.

John couldn't help the momentary flash of relief and hope that flared deep in his chest but just as quickly died away. Just because Rodney wasn't dating Keller now didn't mean that he had anymore chance than he'd had for the last five years. Rodney was straight and would never even think of John in that way - plus he'd just been dumped and what he needed right now was a friend.

John patted Rodney's shoulder awkwardly. "Sorry, buddy. That sucks."

"Yeah," Rodney grimaced. He looked sad and tired. "I suppose it's not such a surprise really. I'm amazed I managed to make it this long before messing things up."

"Hey! Don't talk like that."

"Why not?" Rodney said, his mouth twisting unhappily. "It's the truth. Jennifer wanted someone nice and charming, someone who wouldn't insult her friends or embarrass her in front of her family. I mean I tried, I really did try to change - but the old me just kept on showing through and ruining it. As much as it pains me to say - she deserves someone… better." Rodney sounded defeated. "Someone who isn't me."

"That's enough," John's voice cracked a little and he coughed to cover it up. There was just something so wrong with hearing Rodney beating himself up like this. Rodney McKay was always larger than life - faults and all - but that was the real Rodney; the one who told you he was the smartest man in the galaxy and then proved it, the man who insulted you six ways to Sunday and then put his life on the line to save yours. It just wasn't right to see him like this - kind of small and diminished somehow.

"I just wanted to have a shot at a normal life, I suppose."

"But our lives aren't normal," John said gently.

"I know that! I don't mean the whole living in another galaxy and fighting space vampires thing. A wife, maybe a family, that kind of normal. I just thought that… I could change enough to make her love me."

Rodney sounded lost and broken, and suddenly John was so damn mad. He liked Keller, he really did, but he'd always thought that she'd been kidding herself with this thing with Rodney. It was like she'd only ever wanted to see Rodney's good points - or what she'd decided his good points should be anyway. Then she'd gone ahead and tried to change him into who she thought he should be. She'd wanted to polish away all the rough edges to make Rodney more presentable and agreeable - but it was the rough edges that made Rodney who he was. Turning Rodney into some manufactured, people-friendly, model boyfriend would mean losing the essence of the real Rodney McKay. Sure, you could have the brave, self-sacrificing, kind heart but it came along with the loud mouth and unstoppable ego, and with the arrogance and ranting and getting in your face and calling you an idiot.

The funny thing was - well, funny in a totally sad, pathetic and ironic kind of a way - that John actually did want Rodney for exactly who he was; the whole irritating, frustrating, fascinating, don't-change-a-damn-thing package. That was the man he'd fallen for - down to every last annoyingly clicked finger and loud questioning of his intelligence - and it was also the man that he could never tell about how he felt. Yeah, the new administration may have finally kicked 'Don't ask, don't tell' to the curb - hell, the ink was barely dry on the orders - but there was no way he could risk telling Rodney his true feelings. There was too much at stake, too much between them, and he couldn't risk losing that. It wasn't right that Rodney should think that he was a screw-up though - that he should blame himself for what went wrong with Keller.

"What I mean is that it takes two people to make this kind of thing work, so it isn't all your fault."

"Oh, god," Rodney moaned, dropping his chin to his chest. "My life must really be in the toilet if you're giving me relationship advice."

"Hey!" John complained, but he could see an upward quirk to Rodney's lips so he let it slide - plus, it was kind of true. "I just mean that you'll find someone. That there's someone out there who wants you for who you really are, one hundred percent The Full McKay: no adjustments necessary." He was proud at how even his voice sounded.

"Yeah, right!" Rodney said. "You do know that friends aren't supposed to lie to each other?"

John caught Rodney's gaze. "When have I ever lied to make you feel better, McKay?"

Rodney paused. "Well, never…"

"Exactly." John nodded and reached into the cooler at his side. "Now how about we have a beer, and then we'll grab the cars and I'll kick your ass from here to the landing bay?"

"In your dreams," Rodney snorted, and then he looked at John and smiled. It was just a small smile, but it was start. "Thanks. That sounds good."

John smiled back and passed over a Bud. Things would be okay. Their orders to return to Pegasus would be coming through any day and then everything would be all right. Keller was staying on Earth with the SGC, and things would go back to the way they used to be. He and Rodney would hang out together, save the galaxy together and that would be that - and if sometimes John couldn't help wanting more, then that was between him and the long, dark nights… and Rodney would be none the wiser.

~*~

Rodney hurried through the breakfast line grabbing a couple of pastries and a muffin, and then begrudgingly added a bowl of fruit to shut up the little voice in his head that sounded annoyingly like Carson droning on about the state of his arteries. He did get an extra large mug of coffee though - Doctor Dire and his alarmist nannying could go and suck on a haggis. They were getting fresh beans from a great place in the Mission, and there was no way he was rationing his caffeine intake with the good stuff on offer. It was still early, but he spotted Teyla sitting at the team's usual table on the balcony and headed over. The morning was bright and warm, and it actually felt good to be outside.

"Good morning, Rodney," Teyla smiled, looking fresh and serene as she sipped her tea. "I trust you slept well?"

"Hmmm, just the usual," Rodney said and inhaled a raspberry Danish. "So, not so much really. I, ah, I had a few things on my mind."

Teyla reached across and covered his hand with her own. Her skin was soft and warm, and her hand looked so tiny next to his.

"Jennifer broke up with me," Rodney blurted, not looking up from their hands.

"I am sorry to hear that. I know that you had invested a great deal in this relationship."

"Yes, well. I just don't think I was who she was really looking for… not really good enough."

"I am sure that is not true." Teyla squeezed his hand. "You are a good man, Rodney."

Rodney looked up and tried to smile, though he was pretty sure that it fell flat. "Yes, well. Maybe it was for the best? I mean, I'm an important man and I really should be devoting my energies to my research and keeping this place afloat, and don't even get me started on how I have to keep pulling Sheppard and his foolhardy hair out of the fire every five minutes. I really don't have time for a personal life and…"

"It will be all right, Rodney," Teyla said softly. "Things have a way of working themselves out. I am certain that there is someone waiting for you who will appreciate you for who you truly are."

"Funny, that's pretty much what John said too."

Teyla didn't say anything, but she gave him a long look. He felt like he was missing something, though he hadn't the first clue what, and then she seemed to be changing the subject.

"I understand that Colonel Sheppard's government has amended its policy on, I think it is called, 'Don't ask, don't tell'?"

"Um, what?" Rodney was confused at the abrupt shift in the conversation. "Oh, yes, the new guy has kicked out the draconian old legislation and about time too, in my opinion. Canada is so much more progressive."

"Colonel Sheppard must welcome this news."

"Erm, yes? I suppose so?" Why would Teyla think that John would be especially interested? "I mean, he is very fair-minded and obviously he'd welcome the removal of any injustice in the system. I'm sure he's happy for the welfare of the men under his command."

The weird look on Teyla's face grew more pronounced, and she looked almost exasperated. Well as much as Teyla was ever exasperated – he'd never known a calmer person in all his life. It was probably all that meditation – and beating people with big sticks. Oh, hey! Perhaps she'd had an early morning workout and was going a little hypoglycaemic. Rodney grabbed at his plate. "Um, double-chocolate, chocolate-sprinkle muffin?"

Teyla smiled, shaking her head ruefully. "That is very kind of you, Rodney, but I have already eaten."

"Oh. So, I'll just?" Rodney gestured with the muffin, and Teyla laughed gently.

"Please do."

Rodney nodded and polished the muffin off in a couple of bites – it really was a good muffin. Perhaps he'd grab a couple more and take them with him to the lab for later; genius must be fed, after all.

~*~

John lifted his arms above his head and stretched out his back with a satisfying pop and then started on the rest of his warm-up. Ronon appeared just as he was finishing the last of his calf stretches and nodded good morning.

"You ready?"

"Sure," John grinned and headed off down the hallway at an easy pace, Ronon falling in comfortably at his side.

"So, where we're goin' tonight?"

"Some place Lorne recommended - said the steaks are great," John said as they took a right turn towards the outer perimeter of the city, the ocean wind fresh in their faces. "I thought it would be a chance for us all to go out and have a good time. You know, see a little bit of the San Francisco nightlife, listen to McKay harangue the servers about citrus in the food - the fun kind of stuff - before we head back home."

Ronon grinned as John called Pegasus home. It was true - Pegasus and the city and his team were home to him.

"You going to ask Amelia? I think Teyla's bringing Kanaan," John winked and upped the pace as they hit the long straight out to the north pier, his body relaxing into an even stride. The sky was blue and clear above them, and the sun was painting the water with dappled brightness; it was kind of pretty.

"So that make McKay your date?" Ronon smirked.

John stumbled. Jeez, but that was just a little too close to home. Objectively he knew that Rodney's suddenly single status didn't change anything, but he couldn't quite quench that glimmer of hope burning deep inside him that, somehow, he might just have a chance. Ronon's comment had caught him off balance, that was all. He laughed, hoping to cover his slip, but even he could hear how hollow it sounded. He lengthened his stride to catch up.

"Sorry," Ronon said.

"Nothing to be sorry about."

"Whatever," Ronon snorted. Yeah, he probably wouldn't have bought that line either. "I've known you had the hots for McKay since the second day I was on Atlantis."

"It's nothing," John said. He tried to speed up, but Ronon kept pace effortlessly - the bastard. "He doesn't… we're not…. Look, it's kind of complicated," he added, hoping that Ronon would get the message. He couldn't talk about this thing with Rodney. Christ! There was no thing with Rodney; except in his head - and in his stupid dreams.

"So uncomplicate it," Ronon grunted, as if it was that easy.

Yeah, not really ever going to happen. The feelings he had for Rodney went so far beyond complicated that there was no chance… except that was bullshit too. His feelings for Rodney were frighteningly simple - it was just that he was too chickenshit to do anything about them.

"We running or what?" John spat out, suddenly angry - with Ronon, with Rodney, but most especially with himself.

Ronon raised a silent eyebrow and took off, long strides quickly outrunning him.

John sighed and picked up the pace, trying to catch up. "Looks like that's a yes then."

~*~

They flew a cloaked 'jumper over to the mainland, landing at an old warehouse complex on the wharf that the SGC had commandeered, and then took a cable car to the restaurant. Rodney found it pretty funny that Ronon was weirdly freaked out by the cable cars, clinging to the railing for dear life when he usually took all manner of dangerous technology in his stride. Unfortunately it wasn't quite so funny when Ronon then threatened to toss him in the bay if Rodney made the clang-clang noise of the car 'just one more time, McKay!' Honestly, some people had no sense of humour.

"This must be it," John nodded as they stopped outside a small, festive looking place just off the water.

There were tiny lights twinkling around the doorway, and Rodney sniffed happily as they walked inside, tantalising aromas making his mouth water before they'd even sat down.

The hostess seated them at a table in the window with a wonderful view out over the bay, the Golden Gate picked out in lights, and Rodney took the chair next to John.

"So, what happened to Kanaan and Amelia?" Rodney asked as a server poured them each a glass of water. "I thought they were coming too?"

"Amelia wanted to go and visit her family before we head home," Ronon said, tearing some bread from the basket on the table. "She'll be back in a couple of days. S'all cool." And really, he was spending way too much time with the marines… or possibly John. He was turning into some kind of huge, hairy, Pegasus surfer dude.

"Kanaan suggested that he stay with Torren," Teyla smiled. "He thought it might be pleasant if we shared the evening as a team, just the four of us."

"Oh, right." That was actually really thoughtful, and Rodney nodded in gratitude. "That's nice."

He'd felt off-kilter all day and had found it difficult to concentrate on his work. He'd been rehashing that last conversation with Jennifer over in his mind and dissecting events from the last few months, second guessing himself, and looking for things he could have done differently. He'd finally come to the weary conclusion that he had no idea what he could have done. He really had tried, and he just hadn't been good enough - or been the person that Jennifer ultimately wanted. The strange thing was that as the day had worn on he'd felt an unexpected sense of acceptance and even a little bit of relief. He supposed that he ought to be locked away in his room pining, but he didn't feel that way. He didn't know what that meant, or what it said about him or his relationship with Jennifer, but he did know that right now he was precisely where he wanted to be. He was with his friends, his team.

"Team night," John said, looking happy and relaxed as he smiled around the table. "Sounds good to me."

There was a small, flickering candle on the table and, as Rodney watched, the dancing light made John's eyes shine. He felt something deep inside him flare for an instant, and then the moment was broken by the arrival of their waiter.

Rodney shook himself and scanned the menu as they ordered some drinks. He was starving and by the time the waiter came back he was ready to order, he just hoped the food wouldn't take too long. The waiter was young and good looking, if you liked obvious, and Rodney couldn't help but notice how he kept catching John's eye and smiling in a totally uncalled-for manner. Rodney glanced sharply at John, but he just looked his usual smirky self. The waiter - 'call me Josh', oh I don't think so, and no way was that hair naturally sun-bleached - was openly grinning now, and that was quite enough, thank you, they did want their food some time tonight.

"Yes, yes, that's everything then, thank you," Rodney snapped. "Chop, chop. Hungry people here."

The waiter turned from John and winked slyly at Rodney. "I bet there are, sugar. Don't worry, I'll be right back with your orders." He grinned again. "Sure I can't get anything else for you and that cute boyfriend of yours?"

A bolt of adrenaline shivered through Rodney, and he felt his face flame. He looked hurriedly at John, just catching a strange mix of emotions colouring his face before a bland smile slid into place.

"Nah, we're good, thanks," John said easily, and the waiter left with a final - frankly flirtatious - nod.

"I, um." Rodney stopped, unsure of what to say. Did that guy really think that he and John were a couple… a romantic couple… together? "Did he mean that…"

John shook his head. "Don't worry about it, McKay. This is San Francisco, misunderstandings happen."

"Of course," Rodney agreed quickly. "I mean you're not um, gay and I'm straight too and…" he floundered and took a gulp of water.

"Exactly," John said. He was smiling, but the light had gone from his eyes and for a second he looked almost sad.

There was a strangely awkward pause.

"Kanaan and I visited a most interesting place with Torren yesterday," Teyla said smoothly, picking up the conversational ball like the diplomat she was. "Doctor Parrish and Major Lorne accompanied us to the Botanical Garden in Golden Gate Park. The plants there were most beautiful and there were many activities for children to take part in and learn more about the garden. Torren was still a little young for most of them, but he did enjoy himself in the sand pit."

Just like that the conversation was back on track, and then John was geeking out over all the Star Trek references in San Francisco - and he was a geek, no matter how much he liked to play it cool - and Ronon was grinning, and things were back to normal.

Rodney smiled and nodded as the evening progressed, chipping in with the odd comment, but mainly he let the chatter and easy laughter wash over him. He had thought that the company of his friends would be a good distraction from his moping about Jennifer. The thing was, he wasn't moping, in fact he wasn't really thinking about Jennifer at all. Instead he couldn't stop remembering what the waiter had said - 'that cute boyfriend of yours' - and the way that it had made his heart clench in an unfamiliar way. Mainly though, he just couldn't stop wondering about the small, sad smile that had flickered across John's face.

~*~

John woke with a jolt. Someone was knocking at his door and he could hear Rodney calling his name. For a sickening moment he was six months and an entire galaxy away.

"John? Can I come in?" There was no panicked hysteria in Rodney's voice, and John sighed in relief as he snapped back to the present.

He tossed back the covers and shuffled to the door, rubbing at his eyes and trying to wake up properly. He opened the door to find Rodney standing outside. He looked a little rumpled, still wearing the blue denim shirt and khakis that he had worn out to dinner, and his hair was sticking up in tufts the way it always got when he was working on a problem and ran his hands though it.

"Oh, hi," Rodney said, sounding mildly surprised as if he wasn't the one who'd just knocked on John's door. "Um, can I come in?"

"Sure." John ushered Rodney inside. "What's the matter?"

"Nothing's the matter," Rodney answered quickly, standing awkwardly by John's desk and looking around nervously. "Why should there be anything the matter?"

"Rodney. It's three am. I'm assuming you aren't dropping by just to borrow the latest edition of The Flash."

"Oh. It is? Really?" Rodney looked at his watch in surprise and then indicated the door. "So, do you want me to, um?"

"No, Rodney," John sighed and sat heavily on the bed. "You woke me up in the middle of the night - I think you'd better just tell me what's going on."

"Oh, right!" Rodney twisted his fingers anxiously and glanced at the door again. "Because you know it is late and I could always just…"

"Rodney!"

"Okay, okay," Rodney muttered and then squared his shoulders. "So, I've been doing some thinking. As you know, I am a genius - several times over in fact - and …"

"Rodney," John groaned and flopped back to rest against the wall. "If this is going to be another lecture on the many and varied wonders of Rodney McKay, PhD, PhD then can we skip it until it's actually daylight?"

"Look, I'm sorry I woke you up," Rodney said. He sounded unsettled, but there was a stubborn twist to his mouth. "But I've been thinking about this all evening - since we got back from the restaurant - and I happen to think that this is important, I just hadn't realised the time, and this was obviously a mistake, and I'm sorry to have woken you, Colonel so I'll just be going now," he finished in a rush, looking pretty upset.

"No, I'm sorry, Rodney," John said. "Look, why don't you sit down and tell me what's on your mind?"

Rodney eyed the bed and then the desk chair and glanced quickly at the door. "No, I'll stand. I might need to…" he jerked a thumb over his shoulder, and John wasn't sure if he meant that he might want to make a quick exit or possibly take up hitch-hiking; he was pretty jittery so it was hard to tell.

Rodney tilted his chin defiantly. "Right, moving on then. As I was saying, I am a genius. However, I also know that I have some blind spots when it comes to certain matters. Like the thing with Jennifer. I've been trying to work out what I did wrong…"

John had to interject. "We've talked about this, buddy. You didn't do anything wrong."

"Yes, well thank you for that." Rodney smiled, his gaze softening, and it warmed John right down to his bones. This was the reason he could never tell Rodney how he really felt; he couldn't risk losing this.

Rodney nodded and then carried on. "But I was wrong actually. My mistake was trying to be something that I'm not to make Jennifer happy. Jennifer is a wonderful person, and she deserves to be happy, but I know now that I could never be who she wants."

John wanted to say something, but Rodney raised his hand.

"No, it's okay. I've had a lot to think about tonight, and I couldn't understand why I wasn't more upset over the break-up. It's weird, but I don't miss her as much as I thought I would."

"It's only been a couple of days." John didn't want Rodney to start beating himself up about how he thought he should react as well as over the break-up itself.

"I know that, and I am sad, but then I realised that I wasn't really sad about Jennifer. I think I'm sad about what might have been, and that I've missed out on the chance to be happy with someone, and to have someone who loves me. It was never actually about Jennifer herself, but more this ideal that I had stuck in my head."

John thought that was kind of ironic because he was pretty sure that Keller had been doing the same thing.

"I thought that I needed a wife to be really happy. I suppose I've seen what Jeannie has and thought that I needed to have the same. I did - do - care about Jennifer, but I don't think that I actually loved her. I suppose I just loved the idea of her. She fit in with the plan of the way I thought my life should go."

Rodney paused, and John didn't know what to say. It was kind of a relief to hear Rodney say that he'd never really loved Keller, but then he felt like a heel because he wanted Rodney to be happy. Okay, what he really wanted was Rodney to be happy with him but as that squadron of flying pigs hadn't appeared yet he knew better than to wish for the impossible.

"And then we went out to dinner tonight and it was all so easy," Rodney smiled. "I could just be myself around you, and Teyla and Ronon, and it felt good."

John nodded. He knew what Rodney meant - he'd never been as close to anyone as he was to his team; they were more of a family than his real family had ever been.

"Then there was what the waiter said… about us." Rodney grew quiet again.

John sighed. He didn't want Rodney getting bent out of shape over that. For one thing, he didn't want Rodney upset but also it kind of hurt - that Rodney could be so offended at the idea of the two of them being a couple. He didn't want to see Rodney's disgust, and this way he could still kid himself that one day they might get together. He wanted to at least hold onto his dreams. "Look, you know how San Francisco is, Rodney. Don't pay any attention to what that guy said…"

"No!" Rodney said, looking agitated. "I know that's what you said, but it got me thinking - made me question things. I started to wonder if maybe I'm not the genius that I've always considered myself to be if I could miss something so glaringly obvious."

John swallowed. He had a horrible feeling that he knew where this was heading. Rodney had figured it out. He'd added everything up - all the glances and looks and god knows what other tells he'd let slip - and used that brain the size of a planet to put two and two together. He'd finally worked out what John had been trying so hard to hide for the last five years. "Rodney, I…" He didn't know what to say to stop the most important friendship - the most important relationship - in his life from exploding right in his stupid face.

"No, let me finish. Please, John," Rodney said. "Look, I've thought this through, and I'm certain that I'm right. Okay, yes, I suppose I could be wrong - but dear god, I hope I'm not." The last part sounded like he was talking to himself.

Rodney walked over to the bed. "Um, can you get up please?" he asked, oddly formal and a little shy.

"O-kay," John nodded. He didn't really think that Rodney was the kind of guy to punch him in the nose for having designs on his manly body, but he stood up a little warily.

"So, I'm not drunk," Rodney said with an edge of forced brightness to his voice, "but if this goes badly then can we just say that I was?"

John nodded again. At this point he had no clue what was going on and just agreed anyway.

"Anyway, as I say, I've been giving this a lot of thought and really this is the most obvious answer. It's been literally staring me in the face, and I may have been a little obtuse before but I'm fully on board now…well, I mean." Rodney paused and took a deep breath. He looked into John's eyes, and his gaze was obstinately determined, yet with a hint of vulnerability that went straight to John's heart. "I want to just try something here…"

John watched, time slowing, as Rodney cupped his big hands around John's face and leaned closer. John felt his eyes closing and then Rodney's lips were touching his, a brief press of warmth and softness and the promise of sweetness, and then they were gone. Oh, wow. Rodney had kissed him. Rodney had actually goddamn kissed him. It was perfect and amazing, but he wanted more. He never wanted it to stop.

"Oh, god! I'm sorry!" Rodney sounded terrified and snatched his hands away.

John missed their warmth immediately and just like that time sped up again and through the roar of blood pounding in his ears he could hear Rodney starting to turn away. He snapped his eyes open and grabbed Rodney's shoulders - broad, solid muscle firm under his palms. He reached up and cradled Rodney's jaw gently with one hand and slowly brushed the pad of his thumb across the full softness of Rodney's lower lip. Rodney's eyes were wide, and John smiled as they grew wider still.

"Really?" Rodney squeaked. "I was right?"

John grinned and pulled Rodney closer.

"Oh my god, I was right! I knew it! The way that I can just be myself around you, and you still like me, even though you still tell me to shut up sometimes, and the way that everything that was wrong between me and Jennifer is what's right with us. It took that idiot of a jumped-up waiter to put it into context for me and make me realise that this is so much more than friendship and…"

John decided that this was definitely one of those times when actions should speak louder than words - though it was doubtful that anyone could be louder than Rodney - and so he leaned in and captured Rodney's mouth with his own. This kiss was even better. John teased the tip of his tongue in between Rodney's slightly parted lips, and Rodney opened so sweetly, welcoming him in, their tongues touching and dancing together. Rodney's hands grasped at John's waist, and John moaned into the kiss, pulling Rodney closer until their hips met. Rodney's cock was a solid shaft of heat against John's and suddenly everything accelerated from zero to sixty in the blink of an eye. His cock was throbbing, and he rubbed hard against Rodney, helpless and desperate. He broke the kiss and panted brokenly into the stubbled skin of Rodney's jaw - they needed to get rid of their clothes; he had to feel Rodney naked against him.

Rodney moaned, a startled, broken rasp, and John's brain kicked back into gear. "Um, is this your first time? With a man?" he panted between kisses. He just couldn't stop kissing Rodney. "Um, do you want to slow things down?" Please say no, please say no. "Take things easy?"

Rodney pulled away - just far enough to give John an incredulous look - and then slammed his hips back, sliding the hard ridge of his erection across John's cock. "Does this feel like I want to slow things down?"

"I just meant…"

"John," Rodney said, peppering hot, stinging nips along the tendon in John's neck. "I may be new to this, but I know what I want."

"Oh, thank god," John moaned and pushed Rodney down onto the bed.

It didn't take long to get out of their clothes - tossing them carelessly across the floor - and suddenly they were naked, the solid heat of Rodney pressing John into the bed, their breath mingling as their mouths met again and again.

John couldn't believe how warm Rodney was - all that soft, soft skin over nicely trim muscle and a furnace of heat searing into every place they touched. John stroked his hands across the breadth of Rodney's shoulders and down to the deceptive strength of his biceps. God, they were even better to touch than he'd imagined.

Rodney was rubbing his cock in the groove of John's hip and panting into his neck, the hot breath teasing and sending shock waves to his groin. He thrust up, sliding his cock to lie snugly next to Rodney's, and it felt like a supernova exploding in his brain as Rodney's hard shaft rubbed against him.

Rodney moaned and clamped his hands onto John's shoulders as if trying to anchor himself. "Jesus, John! I can't… I'm not going to last much longer."

John moaned and nodded, sliding his hands down to the firm, perfect ripeness of Rodney's ass and oh, god, it was amazing. He could feel the strong muscles flexing under his palms as Rodney pushed and ground himself down into his body.

Rodney tore his mouth from John's neck and chanted harshly. "Now! Now, now, now…"

"Oh, god!" John thrust up harder, shouting as he felt a rush of heat and Rodney came all over him. He froze, and then his nerves were frying and his cock erupted, his come pulsing out in a long, furious blast to mingle with Rodney's as their movements gradually slowed.

"Wow," Rodney groaned, his voice hoarse and rusty.

"Oh, yeah," John nodded and grinned happily, nerves still singing.

Rodney slipped inelegantly to one side, one arm and leg thrown sloppily over John, and pressed his face into John's neck.

John snagged the nearest piece of clothing - his tee shirt - and mopped sketchily at what felt like a small ocean of come pooled on his belly. He dragged the shirt over Rodney too, who waved his fingers and mumbled a sleepy sounding something, and then tossed the tee and pulled the covers up.

He wrapped an arm around Rodney's shoulders and pulled him closer. He couldn't quite believe what had just happened, but for now he wasn't going to question it. In fact, it was okay with him if he just lay here curled up with Rodney forever. He slowly drifted to sleep, smile still firmly in place, as Rodney's soft snores whistled warmly past his ear.

~*~

Dust motes were dancing in the early morning light as Rodney slowly opened his eyes. He felt a moment's disorientation and then smiled as he remembered where he was. He was in John's room, in John's bed… with John. He pressed closer, relishing John's warm body under him and dozed happily.

He woke again a little while later to the sound of gulls in the distance. He dropped a soft kiss to the shoulder under his cheek and then slowly eased away until he was propped up on one elbow.

John was still asleep. He was lying on his back, and his head was turned to one side exposing the long slope of his throat and neck. Rodney had a sudden urge to lick and bite at the shadowed stubble under John's jaw and feel the rough prickle of beard across his tongue. He didn't though; they'd been so crazed last night that he hadn't had the chance to really look at John, and now he wanted to indulge himself - but that jaw thing was definitely going on the list for another time.

John's eyes were closed of course, the dark lashes like powder smudges on his cheeks, but his lips were parted, just a fraction, the lower one full and pouty and practically begging to be kissed. Rodney resisted the temptation, though it was a struggle, and followed the sweep of John's neck to his chest. John was hairier than he was, with dusky swirls lightly furring his golden skin and exposing tiny, pink nipples. He wondered what it would feel like to take one between his teeth and nibble. The list was getting longer.

The sheet was pushed down around John's waist. His abdomen was firm but with a hint of softness that made Rodney melt a little because it was just so real. He smiled, his chest suddenly full.

"Is that a good sign?" John murmured softly.

Rodney looked up. John was watching him, a pensive little line furrowing his brow, his gaze uncertain.

"Definitely good," Rodney grinned. He had no regrets or doubts - far from it. When he'd finally worked it all out - and he couldn't believe how blind he'd been - then everything had become startlingly transparent. He and John had never just been friends, there had always been so much more to it than that, and once he'd eventually made that connection then the rest was just inevitable - amazingly and wonderfully inevitable. "We're definitely good."

John's face cleared, and he grinned back. "Cool."

He looked so carefree, so young and happy, that Rodney had to finally give in and kiss that pouty smile. John sighed, relaxing into his arms, and Rodney felt his chest tighten again. He needed to tell John how much this - how much he - meant to him, but he didn't know if it was too much or too soon. He didn't want to mess things up like he'd always done before; not that he'd ever felt like this before. He couldn't screw things up with John though - he was in far too deep and had been for years, he just hadn't known it. He pulled back slightly, John's mouth chasing his own with soft kisses.

"John," he breathed against John's distracting, delectable lips. "I want to tell you something…" John kissed him again, swallowing his words. "John, I…"

John eased away and smiled softly. "I know, Rodney… me too."

"No, I have to tell you…" Rodney paused. "Um, what do you mean? What do you know?" And then he realised just how brave John really was.

"I love you too, doofus."

John knew… and he'd said it. He meant it!

"Oh, me too," Rodney nodded. "Me too."

"I know," John grinned and pulled him down for another kiss.

The kiss grew deeper, and Rodney gasped - in surprise and a good deal of arousal - when John flipped them over and pressed him into the bed. John was strong and lean, and it was wonderful to feel him stretched out over him, covering Rodney's body and blanketing him with heat. John's cock was stiff and leaking, sliding against Rodney's hip and rubbing against his erection. He suddenly wanted to see it, tantalised by its heat and weight against his skin.

"I want to see you," Rodney gasped, pulling away from the inferno of John's mouth and grabbing at the sheet. "Please…"

John obviously understood and blushed so prettily that Rodney had to pull him back down for another breath-stealing volley of kisses before finally pushing him away again. "Please?"

John smiled, an adorable mix of sex god and shyness, and sat up, ass pressing back against Rodney's thighs, and tossed the sheet aside. He was sheened lightly with sweat, and there was a darkly enticing trail of hair arrowing south and… oh, wow. John's cock was standing up flat against his belly, red and hard, and Rodney had to touch. Right now. He wrapped his fingers around the soft skin, heat and bulk filling his palm to perfection.

John groaned and jerked up into Rodney's hand. "Rod-ney."

Rodney looked up; John was watching his hand, his pupils wide and dark. Rodney moved slowly, loving the way that John responded to every stroke and twist, the way his cock flushed darker and his hips began to twitch.

"Fuck me," John gasped. "Do you… do you want to fuck me?"

Rodney froze and then grabbed frantically at his balls and tugged sharply. Jesus, did he want to? The thought alone had nearly made him come.

"I don't want to force you," John said and there was a definite smirk behind the heavy eyes and wrecked expression.

Rodney grinned, rolling John over with a laugh and pushing him into the bed. "Like you really have to ask." He snatched a kiss. "Though you'll have to help me a little with the practicalities."

John was stretched out beneath him, debauched and beautiful, and he nodded happily. "I can do that."

Rodney kissed him again - he had to; John's mouth was so soft and giving - and then he eased back. "I assume we'll need something?"

"I'll take care of it." John smiled and reached into the nightstand.

Rodney moved over to lie at John's side. John uncapped a tube and slicked his fingers, opening his legs and reaching down to push one glistening finger between his cheeks. Rodney watched, entranced, as John circled his finger and pushed in, his breath hitching with each thrust.

Rodney reached out tentatively. "Can I?"

John smiled, his gaze going hot, and spread some lube on Rodney's fingers. "Please."

Rodney touched his hand to John's and slowly slid one finger down to the small opening. He tangled their fingers and traced the skin stretched by the finger John had inside himself. It was so soft and warm, and it felt incredibly intimate to be touching John like this, to be doing it together.

John hooked his thumb around Rodney's finger and pushed lightly. Rodney's heart hammered in his chest and he nodded, carefully easing his finger in beside John's, thrusting slowly into the tight channel.

John groaned, and Rodney stopped, afraid he was hurt.

"Don't stop, s'good," John murmured, his words slurring as Rodney began to move his finger again.

John moved their entwined fingers faster and began to twist and stretch himself. Rodney could feel the clinging walls yielding a little, but it still seemed so tight. He couldn't imagine how it would be to push his cock in there, to feel the heat and pressure enveloping him. His cock throbbed at the thought.

"Enough," John moaned, sliding their fingers out. "Now, please."

"God, yes!" Rodney hurriedly slicked his cock with lube.

John watched him hungrily and opened his legs wider and lifted his hips. Rodney's mouth went dry, and he eased into place, the tip of his cock snug against John's hole.

"Is it okay if I…" Rodney nodded downward.

"Oh, yeah," John moaned, a low sex-soaked sound, and Rodney gently pushed inside him.

Oh, god! Oh, sweet god. Nothing could have prepared him for this. It was heat and pressure and friction, and a hundred other things all barraging his senses and overloading his mind. John moved beneath him, wrapping his legs around Rodney's thighs and forcing him even deeper. Lights flashed behind his eyelids, and he was obviously having an aneurysm or quite possibly the most spectacularly mind-blowing sex of his entire life.

John moved again, and Rodney cried out as lightning arced through him. He thrust faster and began to match John's rhythm, sliding in and out, his nerves crackling with fire.

"Rodney!" John gasped, and his hips jerked faster. He reached down and grabbed his cock, jacking it frantically, and Rodney wanted to help, wanted to be the one touching John's cock, but he was so overwhelmed that he couldn't coordinate enough to move. Next time though, oh yes, he was definitely doing that next time - that was going straight to the top of his rapidly increasing list.

John called out again, a low, inarticulate growl, and then Rodney felt him convulse. Wet heat spread between them and suddenly Rodney's cock was being squeezed, and his orgasm was wrung from him in an unexpected crescendo of sensation.

Things went fuzzy for a while.

Eventually Rodney managed to gather his wits - what few were left after coming his brains out - and he eased away from John as gently as possible, his softening cock sliding free. He moved to John's side, throwing one arm around his waist and resting his head on John's shoulder. He had no intention of letting go.

John moaned but it was a good moan and Rodney smiled, kissing his bicep.

John turned, tangling their legs together, and grinned. "I think we should send Josh a gift basket."

"What? Who?" Rodney squawked. This was supposed to be the afterglow - and people thought he was bad at relationships.

"Josh - the server from last night," John smirked. "You did say that he was the one who put this whole thing into context for you. I mean without him we may never have gotten together."

"Hmmmph! From the look of him a gallon of lube and a bushel of condoms should do," Rodney sniped, but he hid a grin against John's arm.

"Jealous?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I was," Rodney huffed. "I didn't like the way he was looking at you - with the smiling and the… well, looking. Of course, I didn't realise why at the time."

"But now you do."

"Well, I am a genius."

"My genius," John smiled, warm and open.

Rodney felt himself melt - a state he was certain would become a regular thing from now on. "Yes and you're mine, so don't you forget it, Colonel Flirty."

"Only with you, Rodney," John laughed, and Rodney really had no option but to kiss him.

~*~

John walked with Rodney towards the mess. They'd already made plans to meet Teyla and Ronon for breakfast and despite the urge to just stay in bed for the rest of the day they'd decided to keep them. Also they were both starving - relentless, amazing sex could do that to a guy.

He glanced over at Rodney and grinned. After all these years here they were, finally together - it almost didn't seem real. Rodney grinned back and their hands brushed for a moment as they walked. Yeah, this was real - and pretty damn cool.

Rodney looked over his shoulder and leaned in. "I don't know what you want to do," he whispered, even though the hallway was empty. "You know, about telling people. About us."

"Well, I wasn't exactly thinking about making a city-wide announcement or sky-writing it across the bay," John smirked and bumped Rodney's shoulder.

"Well, of course not." Rodney rolled his eyes. "Though you are incredibly hot and it would certainly help if everyone knew that you are most definitely taken, thank you very much, and so avoid me having to run tiresome and prolonged 'environmental checks' on anyone's quarters who happens to be making eyes at you," he added thoughtfully.

"Making eyes?" John sniggered.

"Oh, you know what I mean!" Rodney snapped but he was laughing too.

John grabbed his arm and ducked them into an alcove. "We can do whatever you want, Rodney," he smiled and leaned in for a brief, sweet kiss.

Rodney melted against him, and John kissed him again - because he could do this now.

"I know what you mean - I wasn't going to suggest we march with gay pride through the gate room wearing rainbow coloured spangles. But perhaps it would be okay if our friends knew," Rodney said. "Unless you want to hide it?" he added hesitantly.

John shook his head. "No. I've done enough of that over the years. Anyway, I am proud - you're a damn fine catch, Doctor McKay." His tone was teasing but he meant it. Rodney wasn't the only one who thought he had a hot boyfriend - or who could get a little jealous. He figured he was owed after all these years though.

Rodney's cheeks turned pink but his smile was wide and happy, and John felt himself falling just a little deeper.

"Well, I've always thought so myself but strangely you're the first person who's agreed with me."

"That's why we're made for each other," John winked. "Why don't we just take things as they come, letting our friends know and dealing with anyone else as it happens? We don't have to worry about 'Don't ask, don't tell' anymore."

"Right." Rodney nodded. "Oh, I'll need to tell Jeannie, of course. Hah, she'll be green with envy. 'No John Sheppard' indeed!" he smirked.

"I think I'll just stay on the sidelines for that particular round of the McKay-Miller smack-down, thanks. Now how about we get some breakfast?"

"I could eat," Rodney said and on cue his stomach let out a loud rumble.

They made their way to the mess and loaded their trays. Teyla and Ronon were at their usual table out on the balcony, and they headed over and took their seats, side by side.

"Mornin'," John smiled, and Rodney waved, his mouth already full.

Teyla looked at them both for a moment and then smiled, a warm, beautiful smile. "A good morning indeed. I am so happy for you both."

"Huh?" John asked. They'd only just sat down; how did she do that?

Ronon raised an eyebrow. "Complicated, huh?" he snorted and then winked. "Yeah, right."

John burst out laughing, the loud bray that he had absolutely no control over and could never stop once it got going.

"What?" Rodney shouted, looking at them all in confusion.

Yeah, he might be a genius but it looked like there was still a way to go with the social cues thing. Not that John minded, they understood each other just fine and that was all that mattered. "I don't think we have to worry about telling them, Rodney," he said, eventually managing to stifle his laughter to a chuckle.

"I told you, did I not, Rodney - that things have a way of working out for the best?" Teyla smiled. "I wish you both much joy."

"Same here," Ronon grunted and dropped a muffin on Rodney's tray. Then he grinned at John, "Good luck, buddy. You're gonna need it."

"Hey!" Rodney said but he was grinning too - and hastily snatching up the gift muffin.

John just smiled and pressed his leg against Rodney's, the answering pressure making his smile grow a little broader. He reckoned his luck was doing just fine.

"Ah, Colonel Sheppard! There you are."

John turned as he heard his name being called and saw Mr Woolsey hurrying over. "Oh, good - you're all here," he nodded. "Colonel, Doctor McKay, Teyla, Ronon - I have some good news."

John looked up, hope flaring in his chest.

"Yes, Colonel," Woolsey said. "We have our orders - Atlantis will be returning to the Pegasus galaxy at the end of the month."

"About time," Ronon growled but his smile echoed everyone else's.

John looked at Rodney who was beaming right at him, his eyes shining.

"That's good to hear," John grinned, "because I was kinda worried that we might have left the oven on." He pulled over a spare chair. "Care to join us for breakfast, Mr Woolsey?"

Woolsey looked surprised for a second and then nodded with a small, pleased smile. "That's very kind of you, Colonel. I don't mind if I do."

John leaned back and looked happily around the table. He had his team and he had Rodney - and they were all going home.

Atlantis was going home.  
The end

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: This story is a work of fiction & is meant solely for entertainment purposes. No copyright infringement is intended.


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